


Of Being Hurt, and Growing Up

by Infiniteleft



Category: Love Live! School Idol Festival (Video Game), Love Live! Sunshine!!
Genre: Angst, Confrontations, Dia is hurt and Ruby doesn't know what to do, Falling out, Friendship, Gen, Growing Apart, Heart-to-Heart, I tried to write angst and it came out as hurt/comfort instead at the end there, It relates to the third year's backstory so there you have it boies, Spoilers I guess???, anxiousness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-10
Updated: 2019-11-12
Packaged: 2020-04-23 23:37:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19161325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Infiniteleft/pseuds/Infiniteleft
Summary: Mari's gone, and Dia doesn't know how to cope. Kanan's distant, and Ruby doesn't understand any of it.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> One, I haven't abandoned Sisterhood. Two, I've got _another_ work in progress, but it's far larger and more intense writing than this is, despite it largely being a romcom fluff fest... Three, I think it'll be a mystery which of these three fics I'll finish first. The only one with a semblance of plot is the monster with an entire outline that's more words than this and Sisterhood's current word count combined. Also, have I seen sunshine!! yet? Nope! So please forgive any errors, I'm running off wiki readings, Tumblr posts, and YouTube clips :'D

Dia wanted to be angry. Angry at Mari, for getting hurt in the first place; angry at Kanan, for suggesting their stupid plan to prevent her from hurting herself and her future further; angry at herself, for going along with it even though it didn't make any of them happy.

Her costume still laid on the floor under her bed where she kicked it. She wanted nothing more than to set it aflame and toss it out, not wanting to deal with the pain and loneliness it had begun to inspire. How could it have gone so wrong? They were so close to everything they had worked for…

Dia clutched her pillow tighter, her chest constricting as her eyes burned with misery. She'd had to put up a front with Kanan, a lying mask of disinterest and hopelessness that had destroyed her friendships. Oh, of course she still spoke to them, but it wasn't the same. Phone calls and messages from Mari were stilted, impersonal. Kanan was distant in a way she hadn't been before, not even before Mari left.

She felt so lonely. Not even when she was sometimes forgotten when Kanan and Mari were so focused on eachother did she hurt like this, a never-ending pit of emptiness where there used to be so, so much joy.

When had the mask fused to her skin?

A whine tore its way past her throat. It was soft. _Pitiful_ . It only made her angrier, bubbling against her skin and making her eyes ache, and she hoped Kanan was feeling as bad -- no, even _worse_ than she did, for suggesting this stupid, _stupid_ idea. What future did she have now, without either of them?

With the walls broken, Dia found she could no longer hold it back. Muffled sobs escaped into the pillow. The world around her blurred out, falling in and out of focus as tears slipped from her eyes.

Despite it being a childish urge, she wanted to tear her room apart and hurl everything out the window. Everything was _wrong_ , and yet there... Eli smiled down at her. She tried to glare at the figures, and found she couldn't.

Biting her tongue to quell her cries, Dia furiously wiped at her cheeks. She still loved Eli and all of μ's with everything she had, but instead of the soaring happiness and inspiration they'd once brought, all that pleasant visage made her think of was the pain and failure, of losing her friends and her shot at being an idol.

_A Kurosawa never gives up._

But they never said anything about moving on. They never said anything about changing their goals, of making the choice to prioritize what was important, what was _right_. Dia felt shaky as she got back to her feet, stepping towards the desk that was crammed with merch. She knelt down.

Eli was still smiling.

She reached out, placing her finger into the blond girl's hand. "I'm sorry, Eli…" the girl whispered. "I'm sorry I couldn't shine like you do. I'm sorry I couldn't keep Aqours together, a-and I'm-- I'm sorry I let you down! I let everyone down! I-if only…" There wasn't anything else she could do now to fix things. The past was the past.

Blue eyes gazed at the weeping girl calmly, so sure of herself. Teal stared back through a veil of tears. She needed to move on. Even if it hurt, Eli wouldn't want her to sit here, every day, wailing over what could've been.

She had to be strong. For herself. For her sister. For her idol.

"I'm sorry, Eli…" Dia murmured, more steady than she sounded or felt minutes ago, building a resolve she knew she needed. "But you'd understand." With a hand that only shook the smallest of amounts, she reached out, picking up the figure and rising to her feet.

Carefully, she made her way to her closet. She'd need to find proper storage later, but for now… she picked up a spare bedsheet, feeling more guilt rising in her stomach. How heavy it all was. She couldn't stand it, but she had to try. It would get better, easier. Wouldn't it?

Dia held the figure to her chest, resting her chin on top of the vinyl. Wordlessly, she then set the figure inside of the cloth, trudging over to her desk once more. The rest of her merch, her figures and keychains and books and bags, her shirts, the socks -- all of it slowly made its way into the makeshift sack, the teen only stopping to fetch another sheet when she filled up the previous one.

Tomorrow, she'd ask her father for some spare boxes. She couldn't bear to throw these away, but…

She wanted nothing more than to forget any of this happened at all.


	2. Chapter 2

_"Put that away. Get it out of my sight."_

Guilt ate away at her stomach anew as Dia walked away from her sister, ignoring the confusion coming from her. She _couldn't--_ not today.

She thought she was doing so well. She'd let μ's go, she'd let Kanan go, and she let Mari go. She rebuilt herself from the bottom up, building up her barriers and weakened framing to ensure she wouldn't fall so far again.

 _She was hurting Ruby_.

A large part of herself raged at her for putting herself into this mess all over again, and a smaller part was so, so mad she'd gotten her sister into idols all those years ago. If only she'd known then how much it would cost her to have even dreamed about it…

Calm and collected steel was how Dia shored herself up, leaning into the sternness that had come in uncomfortably easy for her as Ruby grew older. She had responsibilities. She had to tend to them.

Another day without Kanan had rolled by and she thought she was doing okay. Proving to herself that she didn't need to rely on anyone for her own happiness.

She had to wonder why she kept lying to herself, but the answer was obvious. She didn't know what the truth was anymore. She wasn't okay, but... It didn't hurt as bad, Dia liked to think.

Mari had, at some point, just stopped calling altogether, and only really sent messages on major holidays if she remembered them. It had stung when she hadn't received a phone call on her birthday. But she managed. She managed.

Dia still felt somewhat livid over Kanan's decision to pressure their friend into leaving despite her agreement to help. What choice did she really have? She wondered if Mari was as hurt as she was. Knowing her friend, she was, but hopefully she did a little better. 

Secretly, there was a part of her that was glad Kanan stopped coming to school. She wasn't sure if she could have handled it without hitting her former best friend in the face. Something uncharacteristic and shameful, but she felt so _mad_ and _helpless_ , and Kanan was the only clear thing to blame. Outside of _herself._

Of course she felt even guiltier after the thought, but she couldn't stop it either way. There was no denying the ease of which it was to forget about her former friends entirely when neither one of them were there to remind her.

But even with the care Dia had taken to erase any trace of idol-hood, of the two people she'd taken for granted to be there, unpleasant reminders sprung up. Abundantly. Maybe she could convince herself it was more of an annoyance at this point.

The door to her room had started to shut with a strange, rattling click sometime after Mari's departure. Where once it had been annoying, now it just brought her relief. Relief that she was alone and would be left alone. Sometimes, it was just too much.

Ruby used to knock on the door but had stopped at some point, and another part of her told her it was because her sister got tired of hearing her. The soft, worried "sis?" that would come through never made her feel better. Her sister's presence always made her choke down her cries, holding her breath until she heard footsteps give up and patter away, Ruby's own door shutting behind her.

She couldn't lean on Ruby. Not that her sister wasn't trustworthy or anything, but… it was just too uncomfortable a thought, and she knew that Ruby wouldn't be able to offer any meaningful help. All she would do was hurt her, just like she had hurt Mari.

There was so much wrong. Dia just hoped that even throughout each and every sting of her wounds, and those she dealt to others, that it was for the best. That she was stopping further injury and drama.

It didn't ease the rock in her stomach every time she caught a glance of Ruby hiding another piece of idol merch.

The knowledge that she was slowly wedging a divide between her and her sister wasn't new to her. It made her long even further for her old friends, for Kanan's sure, steady thoughtfulness, and for Mari's boundless empathy and compassion. They would know what to do. As it was, Mari likely wouldn't take kindly to her questions, if she answered (or read) the messages at all.

And Kanan, despite the one still here, was somehow further out of reach than she was.

 _It's for the best,_  she reminded herself. It didn't help. She went to sleep that night with an unshakable tremble, feeling the cold bite far deeper into her bones than her pride could warm.


	3. Chapter 3

Taking a walk today was a bad idea. Dia was in no way prepared to face Kanan in conversation after all this time. At least the other girl didn't seem to be much better off than she was. That made her feel a little bit better.

"So... how is your father doing?" Any other time, she might have been asking out of concern alone. Things hadn't been normal, though. Dia wondered how many lines she would have to throw before Kanan would come back to her. She wondered if she was capable of throwing them.

"Better. Not by much, but, you know. Better." Kanan didn't bother looking up at her after she'd figured out her identity. "Thanks." So dry. An afterthought.

"Things have been busy at home, haven't they?"

"Yeah."

"I've heard you're helping out at the swim shop." She paused, hoping for something, anything. "That's really responsible of you."

There it was, a flicker of change in her face. Where once, she might have known what it meant, the changes they've gone through and the time spent apart rendered it unreadable to Dia. Despite the sun bearing down on them, she couldn't deny the chill settling in.

She waited for a response. Kanan was slow to give it.

"Yeah, well, it was the best thing to do. I couldn't stand by and… you know." Oh, she knew. She _knew_.

"I guess it was." How loaded their words had become. Like a spring wound tight, ready to push back and explode as soon as there was a slip in the grip either of them had on it. "Though, it's taking you out of school. Are you okay with that?"

How topical. How loaded. She wouldn't get an answe

"Look, Dia, I'd love to chat, but," Kanan didn't even look her in the eye as she spoke. "I have to work, here." It was final. It was short. It was cold. Dia knew when she wasn't wanted.

"Fine, then," her voice wavered, "I'll leave you to it. I look forward to your return, when you feel you are able." As she spun on her heels, she caught a glimpse of Kanan's head moving up, probably to stare at her as she was leaving.

Despite the cracking in her words, Dia found that where there had been so much anger just yesterday, today's stilted conversation left her with nothing more than bitter sorrow. A taste of ash coating her tongue. She felt too tired to be angry.

She was far from appeased, but talking to Kanan was exhausting in the way she had to strain to even reach her, never mind the other girl dismissing all that she said.

_A Kurosawa does not give up. Anything less than total victory was unacceptable._

But what was it she was trying to fight for?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think here is where the fact I haven't seen the anime is obvious. Ah, well. It's what I've written, I'm happy enough with it, it'll work! Even if it takes a detour from canon...


	4. Chapter 4

The kitchen was quiet in the early hours of the morning. The sun wasn't even up yet and wouldn't be for two hours more, but still she sat there. In the dark. The lingering moonlight didn't provide much lumination, but she'd navigated the cabinets with familiar ease without it. She wasn't very hungry, anyway.

She knew that nobody was watching her, but still her skin crawled. It felt like she had been playing a role for far too long, something like… oh, a lie gone on far too long.

It was for the best, she reminded herself, she wouldn't have gone otherwise.

The muffin felt dry and stale as it went down her throat.

She checked the clock on her phone, cringing at the burning light it cast out.  _ 3:29 AM _ glared at her, reminding her she should be asleep.

A sigh fell from her - she seemed to be doing that a lot, lately - and she shut it with a mournful 'click', descending back into the gloom she had been in beforehand.

Though her sight was once more impaired, she still could recognize the soft noises coming down the hall, before the figure even showed up in the doorway. "You should be asleep, Ruby."

The squeak told her she was right in her guess. "S-sis, why are you still up?" The footsteps drew closer. Cautious. Even Ruby was wary of talking to her now. Whose fault was that?

"I woke up," it wasn't a lie, it  _ wasn't _ ,"and couldn't go back to sleep. It's nothing. Why are you awake?"

Ruby stayed quiet for a suspicious amount of time. Was she too scared to answer her? Or was she going to lie, too? Dia grit her teeth against the thoughts. She shouldn't think of Ruby like that. Not like how she thought about Kana. About Mari.

It felt like forever before finally, finally she heard her sister's response. "I thought -- I thought I heard your door open."

There was a choice word that blinked into Dia's head for a moment. It was not a nice word. "I see. I just came for a glass of water before I went back to bed." She gave up and twisted to face the redhead. She'd known it was there, and still she couldn't brace herself against the worry she saw there.

Ruby always was easy to read, even after all this time. Everything that happened, Dia still knew how to recognize what was written in the open book before her. It hurt.

Slowly Ruby nodded, wringing her hands together under her chin. A quickly painted picture of anxiety, and knowing she was the reason why dug into the festering wound, peeling away at the bandages she had tried to tie there.

Dia opened her arms. Normally, her sister would've dived into them, burying her face into her chest as she blocked out the world before her. That didn't happen. It felt… it felt almost eerie, the way Ruby's face twisted into something unreadable, something not dissimilar to the face she saw in her own mirror from time to time when she repeated the words she recited when everything felt off balance, like the other shoe was yet to drop. The pause felt unnatural.

Through her pounding heart, she forced her voice to stay even. It was harder now than it had been then, somehow. "It's okay, Ruby. It's fine." She didn't know what she was trying to reassure. All she knew was that she wanted that expression to pass, to change into something familiar, something that she could deal with.

Logically, she knew that it couldn't have been long before her sister caved, lunging for her and clinging on for dear life. There were no sobs today, but she still felt dampness deep through her pajama top. Sitting in the dark, she couldn't help but remember the times she'd done this when they were younger. It was simpler, and back then, Dia didn't feel like the bad guy.

Her stomach twisted as she wondered if that was what people would see her as, if they saw through her deception. If they knew what she'd done.

Dia felt sick. Still, she wrapped her arms tight around her sister, murmuring nonsense into her hair to soothe the girl.

They sat like that for a while, even after she noticed that the tears and the shaking had stopped. Dia didn't want to let go. Neither did Ruby.

She wondered what she should say. What she  _ could _ say. Ruby should be strong, and who did they both know that inspired them to be strong?

_ Eli, please help me. _ Another burning knife hit her in the gut, twisting in time with her faint breaths.

She couldn't think of anything that would be possible for her to utter before she felt the soft shift, reluctant as it was. Ruby pulled away.

Bright eyes seemed weak, and yet yearning with the strength she hadn't seen in a long two years. Something had been changing in her sister, something she hadn't been there to see. The blade knotted further.

Ruby was quick to look away though, wiping at her cheeks. She looked embarrassed. Dia wanted to reach out.

"Goodnight, sis." The girl mumbled, beating a hasty retreat. It felt as if she had gone back to being --

She swallowed the lump in her throat as she watched her fleeing back to her room.

It felt as if Ruby was afraid of her.


	5. Chapter 5

She did it. Of _course_ she did it -- Dia couldn't say she was surprised to see that against everything they'd done to ensure she wouldn't, Mari came back. Stubborn, cheerful, plan-busting brick in the road Mari. The bit of happiness that she felt at that was easily burned out by her anger. And fear.

Oh, yes, it was fear.

After Chika and You had shown up, there had been a sinking feeling. Bright eyed and innocent, they'd come to her woefully unprepared, barely even knowing what they needed to start a club in the first place. It was a setup for disaster; they wouldn't last like this.

The last thing she wanted was the same fate befalling her two juniors, so with a fury that wasn't entirely fake, denied it, denied them, and hoped they would give up.

They were stubborn, though, something she hadn't really been counting - but was desperately hoping - on them having. Critique after critique, they had bounced back. They even brought in others -- resident… demon Yoshiko, and the new transfer student, Riko.

And against all odds, they brought her sister and Hanamaru with them.

The fear wouldn't let go, but at least there was a glimpse of warmth amongst the cold that had been her company for so, so long.

Maybe it was that warmth that let her relent. Maybe it was that warmth that let her tell herself that maybe, just maybe, it didn't have to be the same. It wouldn't.

Her sister's cries after they came back had threatened to overturn all of it. The tears were soaking into her shirt and through her skin, a feeling that was all too familiar. She'd shed her own. She knew what that felt like. Even still, throughout the sorrow she felt for her sister, for -- for the newly formed Aqours, there was something within her that felt heartened to know they'd done it.

They failed, but they made it on to the stage to begin with. They had sung. That was a start, and a far stronger one than Dia had been anticipating.

* * *

Later that night, there had been knocking on her door. It was shy, quiet -- afraid to wake her. It didn't come again, and before she could get out of bed, she heard the footsteps fleeing.

Dia sighed. _Oh Ruby, some things never change._

Like she'd done many times before over the years, she slipped silently outside into the hallway, just in time to catch a glimpse of movement - her sister's door shut.

Still without sound, she crept across the floor and stopped just in front, pressing an ear to the door.

Just beyond, Dia heard muffled sniffling, muffled weeping, muffled thumping. Ruby wasn't… wasn't throwing things, was she? It didn't sound like it, but what else would it be? How bad had this hurt her?

She knew that after-dinner snacks were forbidden. And yet, sometimes, you just needed one. Ruby moreso than she, so with her excuses prepared, she hurried into the kitchen.

It didn't take her long to find her target - a fruit parfait she'd hidden earlier. It was sweet enough to comfort her sister, but still healthy enough Dia herself felt comfortable giving it to her. It was risky to fish around for a spoon, but after a moment's pause when the silverware clinked together, she could breathe. Her parents hadn't awoken.

She sped back down the hall to her sister's door. Sure enough, she still heard the muffled sniffs. She heard crinkling too, a sound she knew all too well -- was it shame that drew Ruby to read a magazine so early? Or… or was Hanamaru right?

Had she really been too hard on her sister?

Dia shook her head, steeling her resolve and shoving the thought away for later. This wasn't about her failure, for once.

Giving only a cursory knock, she softly called "Ruby? I'm coming in." She heard the squeak and jostling of paper right before she opened the door.

Before her, she saw her sister sitting at her desk, shaken owlish eyes and sitting askew with the magazine fallen into her lap. There were no words between them as Dia took in the look on her sister's face.

Slowly, she shut the door behind her.

"I heard you knock," though she kept her voice down, it still sounded loud in the darkness. Her sister had been reading by the moonlight alone, she noted with disapproval. But no. Now was not the time to chide her. "Are you alright?"

There was no answer to her question, only more silence. Ruby averted her gaze, looking anywhere and everywhere but her eyes.

It stung a little, but it told her exactly why her sister had come to her tonight. Maybe it was time to stop being so hard, so elusive in her answers. Maybe it was time to start listening, for once.

She shifted on her feet. "I'm not mad at you. Is that what you're scared of?" She watched for something, anything that would tell her what was going on inside Ruby's head. It took a minute, but there was a minute, hesitant nod.

Once more, guilt choked and settled like ash, but she swallowed her pride. Dia shook her own head, and crept over to kneel in front of Ruby. "I'm not. I promise you, I'm not. I never was." She picked up the magazine with the barest of glances to it -- still, that moment that she met Honoka's smile hurt -- and set it aside. "Never at you."

Ruby's eyes found themselves focused down, staring into her lap. A tiny hand gripped at her pjs in lieu of her sister's, still afraid to look at her in the midst of everything. What was it she was thinking? What was in her head? It must be bad, given how long she was waiting.

Dia opened her mouth to speak, but before any words came out she noticed that her sister's eyes were glistening in the dim light. Ah. She was crying again. A weak sigh came from her, tired but loving, knowing how this had gone so many times before.

It wasn't the same, but this was still familiar ground.

"Come here." She whispered, opening up an arm for Ruby to sink into, for her to wrap around her shoulders. "There's no need to cry -- you're okay. We're okay. Let me guess what this is about." She waited until her sister had snuggled up to her chest before continuing, stroking her hair. "Is this about Aqours?"

Dia, frankly, had no idea how she managed to say the name as calmly as she did. So much history, so much pain, all tied up in that stupid name.

_Why did I suggest it to them, again?_

She felt the nod more than she heard the tiny noise of affirmation. Though she'd already known the answer, there was something that made it easier to deal with when she heard it from her sister. In a way.

Easier to rationalize, maybe?

"Are you upset that you all came in last? Did you think I'm mad at you for joining them?" Again, there was a tiny dip of her head to both. She couldn't help the new sigh. _Ah, of course..._

"You made your own choice, Ruby. You stuck to it, you -- you went out there, and you sang. You did your best." She wrapped her other arm around Ruby's shoulder, and smiled when she felt her sister melt into the embrace. "I'm so, so proud of you. I'm sorry I made you think for even a moment that I wasn't. You went out there with them, you went out on stage with them! That's a big thing. You did that together with your group, Ruby, that's -- I can't tell you how proud I am that you did it."

Under her arm, she felt the younger girl shiver as she drowned in her tears. Dia still smiled. She needed to be reassuring.

"Y-- you… you are?" Came the meek words at last, wide eyes staring up at her as they kept shining against the dim moonlight. So young and so bright, and yet after everything they still held her in awe. Dia expected the words, but they drove in guilt anyway. She wasn't worthy of it; but she had to strive to be.

So she told the truth and nodded. "Of course. Those were big steps to take -- I'm glad you took them. Even if you didn't win," she glanced down and trailed off, finally looking at the magazine again. She took in their smiles and remembered. "Even if you didn't win, you made it that far. You just… have to keep going."

"You have to keep going," Ruby repeated. She looked down, her tears slowing to a stop. They sat in silence, the only sound being the soft breaths of the two. It was then Dia offered her the parfait, not forgetting she had brought it. It was hard to, with the cold container creating condensation against her clammy palm.

Two spoons into it and Dia noticed her sister squirming awkwardly. She could almost hit herself -- normally Ruby would've devoured half of it by now, so something else had to be on her mind.

"Um… Sis…" Ruby broke before she did.

"Hm?"

"What -- how did… nnnn… nevermind."

Dia sighed through her nose. Here they went again. Ruby was looking at the cup like it held the answer to the universe, which was silly. "Ask your question, Ruby."

"Why did you and Kanan and Mari stop being idols?"

Somehow, she'd been expecting the question, but even still…  "I--" She couldn't tell her the truth. She couldn't.

_"I don't know."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh, here we are! One more chapter to go.
> 
> As a side note, I did go back and update the first two chapters a little. Not by much, just smoothed out the prose a little. I'll get to rewriting chapter three later, maybe get that done when I post the final chapter.


	6. Chapter 6

They were dusty. It made sense, being untouched for so long, squirreled away in the back of a closet not even her own. Dia took in a deep breath as she pulled everything else off the top of these three precious, precious boxes. Herein lied history; history not belonging to her but still as fragile and enduring as she had been. History that had been painful and history she hadn't been ready to face. A history that now, after two years, she was ready to unbox again and set on display -- maybe not in the way she had before, she thought. But in a way that could ease her back into things, a way that felt comfortable and right.

She hefted one up with a grunt. There was a reason she'd asked her father for assistance all those two years ago. He wasn't home, though, and she was more than capable of carrying these back to her room. Even if there was still a kink in her neck from Yoshiko's body-lock earlier.

Dia made it about halfway down the hall before her leg cramped up and she had to set it down with a slump, defeated.

"Oh my," a voice came from behind her, all too bright and definitely not Ruby's, "looks like you could use a little help, dearest Dia!"

Yep. Definitely Mari. With a groan, she heaved her head back up to glare at her. It was half-hearted, because admittedly, she still missed talking with her. "Why are you here? Don't you have anywhere to be?"

The blonde giggled and she crouched down, resting her arms on her knees with a humorous tilt of her head. "A little birdie told me you'd be here!" She chirped, before abruptly sobering. "And I wanted to talk to you."

"About?"

"Everything."

* * *

Together, the two of them managed to bring the boxes back into Dia's room. Dia had to admit she was surprised when Mari hadn't said anything further.

She settled herself on her bed and gestured for her friend to join her. There was a reservation about her as the blond dropped onto the mattress with a sigh. Mari stretched out, hanging her legs off while she stared at the ceiling.

"So," Dia began, picking at her fingers, "what is it you wished to talk to me about?"

Out of the corner of her eye, she spotted her friend shifting her hands behind her head. "Oh, nothing much! Maybe just a little question. About earlier." She responded lightly, disguising her hurt -- except Dia still knew the ins and outs of that voice. The subtle catch before she started…

"Earlier?"

"Why didn't you say anything about it before then?"

_Stab._ Regret settled back in on her chest; apparently, she wouldn't be rid of it that easily. "There wasn't any point. Kanan would've kept the act up anyway, and--" she broke off. "There was no point."

She heard more than saw the nod Mari treated her with. "And?" Apparently, her friend still knew better than to ignore her aborted thoughts. What could she even say to that? What truth could she tell? All of it? It was tempting...

"I didn't want you to come back."

Mari shot up to stare at her after her confession, jaw slack. And in those glass-green eyes, hurt swam. Dia continued slowly; she didn't want to say the wrong thing anymore. "If you had found out we were lying to you, what would you have done, Mari? Come back? Argue with us? Stop being our friend? We didn't want you to throw away your chances like that, even if it-- even if you hated us afterwards. After you left…" She trailed off. "... I'm sorry. I should have said something sooner."

Nothing. Dia waited, and nothing came.

She waited longer. Maybe Mari was -- maybe she hadn't thought about things as much as she had, in as concise terms as she had, as often as she had. Maybe it was just -- maybe she needed time. Time that kept ticking on, tightening the hands around her neck.

"I… understand if you don't want to forgive us," she ventured at last, feeling herself cracking just like she did before. "But we wanted what was best for you. Really."

The silence buzzed in her ears. How much more of this Dia could take, she didn't know, but no answer to her honesty could be heard. Sometimes, with Ruby, she wished she could be a mind reader, but for the first time, she felt a pang with Mari. And she realized that maybe she didn't know her friend as well as she'd thought after all. Her regrets climbed back down her throat, admitting them having failed to excise them.

She wished she'd kept her mouth shut.

"I'm sorry," she said again, feeling like a desperate record from her mother's collection, broken and wishing with all her might that she wouldn't be thrown away now that her flaws were apparent. Having Mari here again… she didn't want to lose her friend, but she had to wonder if she'd ever got her back in the first place.

The blonde's head dipped lower, and everything _shattered_ when Dia heard the all-too-familiar sound of droplets hitting fabric. "Mari…"

"I --" it tore at her to see Mari, bouncy and bubbly _Mari_ fighting back crying, no matter how many times she'd comforted her over the years. "I thought you both hated me!"

"What?!"

"It's _funny,_  isn't it?" Now that Dia was looking at her, Mari grinned shakily. " _Funny._  It was so soon…. Right after our -- after the live, the both of you wanted nothing to do with me. You know, Dia, even when we called after, the both of you were-- you wouldn't tell me anything you were doing anymore. Or thinking."

The world kept shaking out of place, but Dia just couldn't give up on fighting it -- not while her friend was staring right at her. Not while she couldn't breathe as the _ache_ that had been her company for so long threatened to choke her out.

"So I kept wondering, 'well, if Kanan changed her mind after all this time, is Dia just following her?' But I couldn't stop trying to call her… she never picked up once, did you know that?"

She swallowed hard. "She -- I didn't hear her say anything about that."

"But you suspected it, didn't you?" The smile she was graced with this time wasn't even trying to fool her; it was pure, exhausted grief. "She did the same to you. And you weren't the one who left. What hope did I have?" A beat. They knew the answer.

"Still," she continued, "I didn't want to think about the both of you hating me. You were all I really had, you know? Even though in Italy, the others thought I was so funny, they didn't bother trying to understand the outsider girl. Familiar, huh? Almost the same, you could say!"

A hand rested along her jaw. It was trance-like, the way she'd been listening. Because of that, it was only then she realized that she'd lost once again and tears wept freely over her cheeks. She tried to bring up something, anything to say. Again. And again. Nothing came out. Her body wouldn't listen to her anymore, and Dia wondered if this was what being broken really was like.

"Even still," Mari plowed through, softening her voice, "I couldn't take it forever. So I told myself I'd let you both go and move on. I tried to… I tried so hard! And I couldn't do it, I couldn't bear it, I couldn't even throw away your letters. I couldn't do it."

"Then _why--?!_ You--"

"Impulsively jumped on the chance to go back home when Papa started talking about it? _Of course!_  I thought --" she broke off with a frown. "Well. I didn't think it through, to be honest."

At that, Dia felt a helpless laugh bubble up. She crushed it with a sigh. "You never do."

"Thinking about it after I got on the plane, well, I guess I didn't want to go any longer without an answer. And maybe I wanted to pull you back together. You and Kanan."

When a hush fell again, it didn't feel as sickening as it did before. It didn't last as long. It felt… it felt a lot more like the quiet she'd used to share with her periodically, so long ago. "So stubborn… but, I have to give it to you. You did it, at least."

"Not just me! The others helped."

"That is... an understatement, Mari." She rubbed at her neck -- God, Yoshiko didn't spare any effort with that. She was going to feel this for weeks! And they had practice!

"How unusual, wouldn't you say? What a shame, today's been so weird. I know what'll cheer us up~!"

Oh no. Dia did not like that tone of voice. That was trouble brewing, ready to overflow at any moment. "Mari…"

_Smack._ "Pillow fight!"

"Augh! No! Nonono! Don't you _dare_!"

"Don't be a coward! Weakling! Come and face me!"

_"Mari!"_

* * *

If the boxes they'd brought into her room sat there forgotten about as the two of them laid on her bed panting, later, Dia would excuse it as being unprepared to redecorate her room. And if she didn't want to untangle herself from the pile they'd landed in, on top of the clean sheets, well… Mari was always protective of her sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we are at the end of this lovely road! In the tradition as this work started, I wrote the second "half" (more like two thirds, to be honest) of this chapter on a whim right after midnight began. Then I ran a technique comb through it, deemed it good enough, and now here we are, two minutes away from 2AM! Thank you for reading, and thank you to those who've commented and left kudos!


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